Harry Potter and the Salem School Drop-Outs
by Taliym5
Summary: This is a story about three friends expelled from the Salem Witches' Institute in America. The only way they can become real witches is if they go to Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry. Can the three outcasts be able to stay out of trouble in this terrible parody of Harry Potter? Rated T M. Don't worry; I'll warn you.
1. Chapter 1: The Train Ride

**Hey guys! I love Harry Potter and Parodies, so I made a Harry Potter Paody to let off some stress of quiting soda cold turkey...it's not going so well. My Author's Notes will be random and weird...like this parody! Warning- this parody contains watchy language, terrible humor, and the deteriorating of the greatest series ever. Wait, why am I doing this again?**

**This follows both the movies and books as a parody. This is the beginning of book three: The Prisoner of Azcaban. (Did I spell that right?) Morgan(A terrible person, but funny), Mary Sue (hehe obvious character-type), and Viv (The middle-grounder). If you don't like the F-word; sorryz, it's in this chapter. R&R, and please don't hate me. ^.^**

* * *

Mary Sue looks around the train in wonder. "Wow, this is like, so amazing." She looks over at her friend, Morgan, with wide blue eyes(contacts). Morgan was smoking a cigarette without a care. "I don't think you should smoke Morgan—"

"Hold it, you can think?" Morgan asked in amazement.

"Yes…but it's usually very lonely, so I choose talk to you instead."

"Oh God, why couldn't you follow someone else around?" Morgan moaned as she smashed the butt of her cigarette into her arm.

"Morgan," Viv warned her friend. "Be nice to Mary."

"If she wasn't so annoying I would be." Morgan sighed. Mary started to paint her nails a bright yellow. "MARY! God Dammit, I told you not to use yellow."

"But it's such a pretty color—it's so happy!" Mary giggled.

"Ugh, exactly." Morgan sneered, she gets out her wand, which was elven inches and cherry red with core of vampire fangs (don't ask), and turned the yellow into dark blue. "Much better."

"But I wanted yellow…" Mary Sue whined.

A girl with frizzy brown hair suddenly pokes their head into the compartment. "You all better get into your school uniforms—"

"Why?" grumbled Morgan who looked like she wanted to blast the girl with a few dark-arts spells.

"Well, we'll be arriving soon. By the way, I'm Hermione Granger." The girl sniffs.

"Holá," Viv greeted.

"Hello!" chirped Mary.

"Got any money?" Morgan asked her. "I tots needs a bag of Bertie Botts."

"Um, no," Hermione said while giving Morgan a look of confusion.

"Good choice," Viv tells her. "She wouldn't pay you back."

"Fuck you Viv!" yelled Morgan, even though she didn't care.

"Aww! You said the 'fuck' word." Mary gasped in horror like she would faint from the 'watchy' language.

"Mary! Go find a ditch and fall into it!" Morgan ordered.

Mary paled. "But the train is moving too fast for me to get off it!"

"Tuck and roll."

"Okay…" Mary was about to leave, but Viv sits her back down.

Hermione asks. "You're Americans, aren't you?"

"No shit, Sherlock." Morgan answered.

Viv shoots her a glare and apologizes. "Sorry about my friend, she has…I honestly don't know. I'm Viv Garcia, the one with the issues is Morgan Park, and the little southern bell is Mary Sue Stewart."

Hermione tried to give a smile, but her tension showed through. "Charmed." She then leaves.

"I don't like her; she seems like a stuffy know-it-all." Morgan assessed while kicking the door shut. "Like Mary Sue, only with common sense."

"You're such a hater." Viv tells her as she pulls on her uniform.

"She drinks hater-ade." Mary adds.

"Don't try to make jokes Mary." Morgan tells her as she wrenched on the cloak. When they were finished they stared at horror at their skirts. They were embarrassingly short like the "naughty schoolgirls" Halloween costumes they would see at Party City.

"WTF!" Morgan exclaimed. "What sick perve messed with my measurements?"

Viv shrugged. "I kinda like it. I've worn shorter skirts."

"I hope I won't trip in this uniform." Mary complained as she tried to stretch her skirt out.

"Well, at least we'll make a lot of guy friends." Viv says.

"Pfft, that's the only positive spin you have?" Morgan scoffs.

"Pretty much, so what houses do you want to be in?" Viv asked her life-long friends. "I want Ravenclaw."

"Because that's where all the cute, geeky guys are?" Morgan asked.

"Yep, but it really seems like the house for me."

"You know that's the house for the smart right?"

:o

"I want to be in Hufflepuff." Mary Sue smiled.

"What the hell is Hufflepuff for?" Morgan wondered.

"Well let's see," Viv thought aloud. "Gryffindor is for the brave, Ravenclaw is smart, Slytherin is for Ivy League hater-wizards…huh what does Hufflepuff stand for?"

"For the just and loyal!" Mary answered excitedly.

"Really, I thought Helga Hufflepuff made it up for all the losers that got shafted from the other houses." Morgan says as Mary gaped:

"What; noo! That's not true."

Viv pats Mary's shoulder kindly as Morgan says. "I like Slytherin."

"But that's a house for dark wizards!" Mary Sue gasped.

"Yeah." Morgan replied. "What's your point?"

"Dark magic is bad—"

"You mean bad ass!" Morgan interrupted excitedly. "I mean, they get use all those unforgivable curses."

"You know those are illegal right?" Viv asked nervously.

"Sweet." Morgan smiled.

"Try not to get arrested." Viv sighed. "Like you got us expelled."

"I'll try, but it wasn't my fault that bitch expelled us." Morgan sits down, but doesn't bother to cross her legs.

"Well, you did let a horde of Cornish pixies loose in the headmistress's office, while setting off a dung bomb in class, and putting poly juice potion into the soup of the day making everyone turn into you." Viv thought a moment. "Then you got expelled for setting a dragon off onto those poor cheerleaders."

"That was an exciting day." Mary sighed. "I accidently poisoned the potions teacher that afternoon…who knew that _morte toadstool_ was the most poisonous shroom in America?"

Morgan laughed. "I guess me cussing out the headmistress didn't help my case, but don't act all high and mighty Viv; you got into trouble too."

"Oh yeah," Viv frowned. "I guess driving that flying motorcycle into my ex's room wasn't the greatest idea for closure."

"Especially when that ex was the student teacher from Durmstrang." Morgan sniggered. "That's what I get for listening to Taylor Swift while drinking some moonshine." Viv sighed. "But the finishing touch on our expulsion was making the green house explode with our latest charm project. Our Headmistress was done with us."

"Well I'm glad we left." Morgan assented. "Hogwarts seems like the place for us."

"A place for friendship to grow stronger?" Mary Sue cooed.

"Don't make me sick Mary." Morgan warned.

"I'm sorry."

"You should be."

Viv jumps up. "Alright, we need to make a promise not to get expelled from this school…or we'll end up at Beauxbatons—"

"Oh God no! I hate them!" Morgan shrieked. "With their froufrou dresses and bitchy attitudes!"

"You hate the French!" Mary gaped in shock.

"No you idiot; Beauxbatons…" Morgan shudders. "It's like they everything that's terrible in this world and crammed it into that place."

"Sophistication, beauty, and skill?" Viv gave Morgan a wry smirk.

"Exactly, my own personal hell…" Morgan gets out another cigarette and smokes it to calm herself down. Mary started to cough, so Viv opened their door back up.

"It sucks that we're entering the third year of Hogwarts…" Viv complained. "I hope we don't end up in the first year classes." All of a sudden the train stops causing the girls to fall out of their seats.

"Damn!" Morgan cursed as her cigarette fell to the floor. "That was my last cigarette!"

Viv groaned in annoyance as she gets up. "Ow. What the hell was that?"

Mary Sue gets up. "I don't know…oh dear it's as cold as a fridge in December." They notice they can see their breath and their windows were icing over.

"What the—" Morgan started.

Viv suddenly starts feeling terrible and starts crying.

Morgan scoffed. "Oh don't start crying about your ex again…"

"No...I just feel so sad…" Viv sniffled.

Mary starts to cry as well and Morgan rolls her eyes. "You've got to be kidding—SHIT, WHAT IS THAT!" They all see a black thing race behind their window.

The girls cuddle together fearfully.

"Ohh, this is like a terrible horror movie…" Viv shivered. "And that thing is going to pick us off one by one and no matter how much we run and scream it'll catch us—"

"Don't worry, we just have to run faster than Mary Sue…or use her as a human shield—whatever is more convenient." Morgan tells her.

"Ya'll suck." Whimpered Mary. "Besides, it'll kill Viv first…the killer always kills the hussies first."

Viv stops crying and growls. "Are you calling me a slut!"

"Guys shut up—this is the thriller climax!" Morgan whispered.

A thin hand grabs the door to open it even more and they saw a black-hooded creature of true evil.

"Ah! It's a dementor!" Viv squeaked.

Morgan pushes Mary in front of them. "Oh frightful monster—take Mary!"

Mary shrieks and hides behind her so-called bitch of a friend. "It's no use; Dementors will eat our souls! Sweet baby Jesus—save us!"

"I wish I was ginger!" cried Viv.

All of a sudden the dementor leaves the train…and the engine restarts. The girls stay frozen to each other and then Morgan yells. "That's it? You can't be serious!"

"You're right, that's why the dementors left." A tired voice said. They look up to see a man with scars all over his face.

"Oh crap," Morgan muttered while covering the cigarette on the ground with her boot.

"Um, sorry, but what are you talking about?" Viv asked.

"The dementors were on the train looking for the escaped murderer…Sirius Black." The man tells them.

"Serious Black?" Mary inquired.

"No, it's Sirius." The man corrected her.

"I know; this is all very grave."

The man sighs. "Puns aside, the dementors were guards of the dark wizard prison Azkaban—"

"Sounds like Alcatraz…" Viv whispered to Morgan. "I hope this guy won't be our professor; his crypticness freaks me out."

"By the way, I'm professor Lupin; the new defense against the dark arts teacher."

Viv muttered. "Dammit." She then greets loudly. "Nice to meet you, I'm Viv Garcia."

"How do you do, I'm Mary Sue Stewart." Mary curtsied in her short skirt.

"I'm bored," Morgan sighed, but Viv elbows her. "Oh, I'm Morgana Eunice Park. I know what you're thinking; my parents hated me when I was born."

Lupin chuckles. "Nice to meet you all." He then gives them some chocolate. "Here eat this; it'll help."

The girls look at the chocolate and give Lupin a friendly smile as he left. Morgan grimaced. "I was waiting for him to ask us if we wanted to go for a ride in his magical white van…"

"What made you think of that?" asked Mary innocently as she nibbled on her chocolate.

"God Morgan, did your parents make you watch _Law and Order_ as a kid?" Viv asked as she throws away the chocolate wrapper.

"No…it was by choice." Morgan grumbled. "That Professor seems weird…"

"Yeah, like he's hiding something…" Viv agrees.

Mary sits down. "I kinda like him."

"Shut up Mary," The friends tell her.


	2. Chapter 2: Sorting

**Author types: "Yays! 2nd chapter of the Salem Drop-Outs!"**

**Brother walks in. "Let the destruction of Hogwarts begin. Does this contain cursing?"**

**"Yes."**

**"I meant cussing."**

**"Yes."**

**Brother rolls eyes. "Alright... wait a second...a 5o Shades of Gray reference! You monster!"**

**"Yes."**

**"Can you say something other than that?"**

**"Shut up."**

**"I guess you can. She doesn't own Harry Potter; thank God."**

**"R&R awesome readers!" :)**

* * *

The three girls start lugging their luggage off the train. "Crap, I think I packed too much stuff again!" Viv whined.

Morgan shakes her head. "You need to learn how to pack light."

"The only reason you can pack light is because you steal what you need from others!" Viv snaps in annoyance.

Morgan stares at her. "Why do you think you need to state the obvious?"

"Why don't we use magic?" Mary asked.

Morgan and Viv groan. "Why didn't you mention that before!"

"Because ya'll were working so hard I didn't want to interrupt." Mary Sue answered sweetly.

The girls suddenly feel the ground shake as a massive form approached. It was a giant of a man with a grizzly beard that looked like something was nesting in it. He looks at the girls and rumbles. "Ya know ya don' hafta' carry yer stuff; that's wut the elves er fer."

"Say what?" Viv asked.

"He said we didn't have to carry our stuff because the elves do it." Mary answered. "Oh well, at least we made the elves' job easier."

Morgan throws her suitcase down in irritation. "Oh come on!"

The man laughs and walks away shouting. "Firs' years! Firs' years; this way!"

The girls go over to the lake where there were little boats. Mary claps her hands. "Oh! We're going for a nice little boat ride."

"I'm not rowing," Morgan tells them while lighting another cigarette.

Viv looks at her: muddled. "I thought you lost your last cig?"

"I stole a pack from that giant dude." Morgan answers; sticking the cigarette in her mouth. "Along with this weird looking egg." She shows them an egg the size of a football.

Viv grabs the egg from her and hands it off to a first year student. "Stop touching things that aren't yours!"

"Kill joy," Morgan muttered as they hopped into the boat. "I may not be an outdoorsman, but isn't this thing supposed to have…you know, oars?"

The boat suddenly goes forward by magic. "Alright," Morgan nodded.

Mary Sue leaned on the prow and spread out her arms. "I'm king of the—shit!" Morgan lifted up her leg and kicked Mary overboard. Mary shrieked and splashed around in the water.

"Oh no, she fell in." Morgan says in a deadpan voice, while trying not to smile.

Viv leans over the boat and tries to help Mary. "Morgan! Help her."

"Just keep treading Mary Sue." Morgan tells her while leaning back to stare at the stars.

"MORGAN!"

"Fine." Morgan also leans over the boat to help the struggling girl. The boat suddenly tips over; sending them both into the lake. All three girls try to tread water as Viv screamed: "Hey Morgan, I frickin' I hate you!"

"Yeah, yeah, I know." Morgan sighed. She then cries. "OH MY GOD!"

"What!" The girls shriek with worry.

"My cigarette fell in!"

The two girls glare at her and splash her.

A boat finally comes by with a couple of first years. "Ello, do you need help?" They ask.

"We fell into the lake." Viv says to them; wondering why they would have to ask.

The kids look at each other and back to the girls. "Yes, we see that, do you need a hand?"

A few minutes later the girls were standing in the castle; sopping wet.

Viv moans. "I can't go into the Great Hall all wet—"

"That's what she said." Morgan chuckled as Viv screams and tries to attack her. Mary stops Viv before she could tear off Morgan's face. "Too soon?"

Mary tells them. "Do not worry girls; I know a spell that will dry us in no time!" Mary Sue gets out her seven inch wand of apple tree wood that had the core of fairy dust…don't ask. "Hydryis!"

The girls are hit with a gust of wind, which made them have to hold down their skirts Marilyn Monroe-style as there was a flash. When the spell finished they all screamed:

The drying shrinked their shirts so that they were stretched tighter than skinny jeans and were like half-tops. Their skirts were even shorter than before. Morgan yelled as Viv held her back. "Mary! I should let you drowned like I first planned!"

"But I know how to swim!" Mary shrieked fearfully.

"Then I'll tie your hands next time!" Morgan shouts, but Viv smacks her hand:  
"No. Killing is bad."

"But—" Morgan started.

"No." Viv tells her sternly and sighs. "Now, let's go."

They enter the Great Hall and gaze about in amazement.

O.O

There were candles floating above them and the ceiling was the night sky. Viv stares around and winks at some guys staring at her…well at her body. Mary Sue kept turning her head everywhere in amazement. As Morgan walked between some students; she swipes a chocolate frog from a red-head's pocket, but freezes when she sees a blond guy at the Slytherin table. Morgan could tell that he was rich, an asshole, and…GORGEOUS! Her heart melted when she saw him trip a first year and laugh evilly. What was this sappy, cliché feeling she felt?

She tore her gaze away when she saw an old woman walk over to a stool on the diadem. She held an old wizard's hat and set it down on the stool. The hat suddenly came alive and started singing a song about Hogwarts and houses. Morgan slowly pointed her wand at her head, but Viv made her lower it as the song finally ended. The only one who clapped was…Mary Sue.

Professor McGonagall then began to read off the names: "Viviane Garcia."

Viv rushes up and hops onto the stool. Some guys whistle at her she nods to them and blows a kiss. McGonagall rolls her eyes and drops the hat onto her head. The hat says:

"Hmm, aren't you…risqué?" The hat finally says.

"Wait, you're supposed to talk inside my head; not out loud!" Viv exclaimed as some girls sneered at her, while some guys nodded and elbowed each other.

"Well, I guess you thought wrong! A 50 Shades of Gray fan as well? For shame." The hat says as people in the audience booed, except for Filch; who hides a book he was reading behind his back.

"Stop reading my mind and tell me what house I'm in!" Viv growls.

"Well let's see; flexible, loyal to her friends, but not her dates—"

"Stop it!"

"A determined mind; yes I know where you should go!"

"Yes?" Viv felt excited as the hat told her:

"The Three Broomsticks!"

"What!"

"J.K. (Rowling)." The hat chuckles. "Gryffindor!"

"What about Ravenclaw!" Viv gaped.

"Don't you listen? That's for the smart—now beat it."

Viv jumps off the stool dejectedly until she saw all the cute guys pushing their friends over, so she could sit next to them. Viv grins as she sits in between two ginger twins.

"Mary Sue Stewart." McGonagall calls.

Mary Sue smiles, but asks. "Wait, isn't this supposed to be in alphabetical order?"

"On the stool Miss Stewart."

"Yes ma'am."

Mary giggles as the hat is put on her head.

The hat mutters. "Ah, intellectual, but a few snails short of a sleeping-death potion."

"Thank you sir. Potions and studying are my specialty; I actually clear my head to fill in all the contents of important books—"

"Gryffindor!"

"But I wanted Hufflepuff."

"Hufflepuff already has enough Mary Sues and Marty Stu's in that house." The hat tells her.

"Oh, well in that case, thank you sir; have a wonderful night." Mary skips over to the Gryffindor table. "Oh YAY! Viv we're in the same house; I'm so happy. If we're lucky, Morgan would be in this house too."

_Hell no! _Morgan thought as she sat on the stool.

The hat was on her head and says. "Hmm, you're a troublemaker."

"That's a new one; my parents call me a hellion." Morgan answered.

"Hmm, where should you go?"

"Slythrin, Slythrin, Slythrin…" Morgan chanted to herself.

"Slytherin eh? Well then: GRYFFINDOR!"

"WHAT! I WANT SLYTHERIN!"

"Yes, but I thought Gryffindor would be better for you." The hat then starts laughing manically.

Morgan throws the hat off her and stomps over to the table. She sits down next to Mary who cheers. "Yay!" And was about to hug her, but Morgan snarled:

"Touch me and you'll lose an eye."

"Yes ma'am." She squeaked.

Morgan suddenly catches the blonde boy's eye. He smirked at her and she felt the need to impress him. She suddenly sees Hermione sitting next to her, who was drinking some pumpkin juice. In mid-drink, Morgan elbows her hand making pumpkin juice splash down Hermione's front. Hermione sputtered as the Slytherin guy and his friends laughed. Morgan grins at the boy and ignores Hermione's seething glare.


	3. Chapter 3: Gryffindor Tower

**Author's note: Hey, I know I've been gone forever-I'm sorrys! School is tough and unfortunately...I was having trouble staying away from the Coke-Cola...it's just so tasty and caffinated. I changed the rating due to f-bombs. There's a lot of them. If cussing scares you...then don't read this chappie. Thanks for r&r!**

* * *

Viv and her friends began chatting together in excited whispers as an old man in half-moon spectacles stood at the podium to say: "Welcome! Blah blah blah blah Demntors staying at our school. Blah blah blah two new teachers: Blah Professor Lupin. Blah blah Hagrid blah blah blah Enjoy the feast."

The girls dig into the feast eagerly.

Viv asked with a mouthful of potatoes. "What did he say?"

Morgan shrugs. "I don't know, some shit about dementors."

"Where's the barbeque sauce?" Mary Sue complained.

"Shut up and eat." Morgan tells her.

Later, the girls go to their tower, while following a pompous guy named Percy. Morgan already hated him when he introduced himself as a prefect and let him know her feelings off the bat, which resulted in a long lecture on prefect respect…They followed him up changing staircases…and then Viv had to save Mary from falling off the edge of a changing stair while Morgan watched in lazy excitement. They finally made it to a portrait which worked as door to the Gryffindor tower.

"Alright, the new password is fortuna major." Percy tells them, while trying to convince the fat lady that moved in the picture to stop singing opera music to break a wineglass…no this was not made up for the parody because it was in the movie.

A boy that Viv and Morgan never really noticed (yeah, it's Neville) said. "Oh no," in a sad sort of pathetic way.

Mary Sue walked over. "Oh hi Viv, I almost fell down the stairs a second time tonight—oops!" Mary tripped on something else as she landed into the arms of the boy who was whining.

"Well that was strangely convenient." Viv assented.

Morgan pouted. "Why didn't he just let her fall?"

"Morgan."

"What?"

"Be nice."

"Bite me."

"Alright then."

Viv and Morgan went into the common room to ignore the rules Percy was telling them. Morgan suddenly raised her hand. "Excuse me, prefect Percy."

"Yes."

"I think we're missing someone: Hugh Jass."

"Oh, thank you for letting me know. Attention everyone. Do I have a Hugh-Jass here?"

Some students began to snicker.

"Can someone tell me if I have a Huge-Ass."

Fred and George nod while smiling innocently as Fred answered. "Yep you sure do."

"Wonderful, where is he?" Percy asked.

George laughed. "Right behind you."

Percy looks behind him in confusion. "I don't see a Hugh Jass—" He stops as he frowned. The entire common room broke into laughter as Percy yelled at Morgan for her childish audacity. Morgan bowed to him as she went upstairs to the girls' rooms without a care and a large smile. Viv followed her while trying to stop laughing.

* * *

**Back to Mary-Sue...Iguess I don't need to explain this...sorrys.**

Mary Sue gasped. "Oh my, I'm so sorry. I am so clumsy."

Neville stuttered. "Oh w-well uh, n-no problem…I'm Neville Longbottom."

_I think I just found my love interest!_ Mary smiles. "I'm Mary Sue Stewart." She stood up from his arms. "By the way, I heard that these passwords are really hard; luckily I have a photographic memory."

"That's nice…I don't." Neville tells her.

"Maybe I could I help you with those passwords!" Mary cheerfully gushed.

"How?"

"Well, you should make a list of each password and memorize it or use it in case you forget. You should write it down on some parchment and carry it with you every you go. Or we could…walk together to the portrait and I could say the password."

"That first choice sounds pretty good, but I would like to walk with you." Neville smiled.

_Score._ Mary giggled as they walked into the tower.

* * *

**Back to Morgan and Viv...Why am I still explaining this! Ok, I'm shutting up now.**

Morgan lies down on her new bed with a sigh. A girl tried to set her stuff on the bed next to her and she barked. "Hey."

The girls freezes fearfully. "Yes?"

"Go away, that's Mary's bed."

"But I've slept here since my first year."

Morgan points her wand into the girl's face. "What were you saying?"

"That…I should go find a new bed." The girls grabs her stuff and runs away.

"Yeah, you run away bitch." Morgan puts her wand away as Viv approached:

"You really should stop cussing…I heard the school deducts points for it. And it scares Mary Sue."

"Fuck that shit."

"Seriously, you can't even censor yourself for one minute?"

Morgan stays silent for a moment. "Fuck off." **(Let's play a game; everytime Morgan drops the f-word...wait, I've just been informed that this game is too dangerous...again, sorry for interupting...I need a life.)**

"Sigh." Viv sits on her own bed and says. "So…I saw you were checking out Draco Malfoy…I heard he's arrogant, a major prick, and minor evil spawn: you two would make such a cute couple!"

"Thanks. I think so too." Morgan grins.

Mary races up. "OOH! Morgan has experienced love at first sight; I did too!"

"Go fuck yourself Mary." Morgan tells her.

Mary gasps in shock.

"Morgan saved you a bed." Viv tells Mary, while trying to keep her from crying.

Mary smiles. "Oh thank you Morgan."

"Why are you still here?" Morgan then sits up. "Alright, we need to decide on a theme song for our group."

"We're already breaking fourth wall?" Viv asks.

"We were bound to shatter it," Mary answered. "How about _Magic_ by Selena Gomez?"

"Seriously, why are you still around me?" Morgan asked.

Viv smacks Morgan's arm. "Wait, how about Kesha's _Tick Tock?"_

"Hmm…hell yeah! I am practically the bad-assery of that song, Mary is the fun-loving, and you're the risqué part!"

"Yay!" Mary cheered.

"So, when do we play this theme?" Viv asked.

"I don't know." Morgan muttered. "Well, goodnight."

"But it's only midnight…" Viv complained.

"Go to bed!" Morgan growled.


End file.
